June 21st, 2017
posted by [syndicated profile] savagelove_feed at 04:00am on 21/06/2017

Posted by Dan Savage

Woman's "perfect" guy charmed her before admitting he's already in a poly relationship by Dan Savage

I am a 34-year-old straight woman. I'm monogamous and have an avoidant attachment style. I've been seeing a guy I really like. He's just my type, the kind of person I've been looking for my whole life. Thing is, he's in an open relationship with someone he's been with for most of his adult life. He was sneaky—he didn't reveal he was in an open relationship until the second date, but by then I was infatuated and felt like I wasn't in control of my actions. So what I've learned is that poly couples often seek out others to create NRE or "new relationship energy," which may help save their relationship in the long run. I was deeply hurt to learn about NRE. What about the people who are dragged into a situation by some charmer in an attempt to breathe new life into a stale relationship? I feel like no one cares about the people on the side, the ones who might be perceived to be cheating with someone's partner, as some sort of competitor, a hussy. How can I reconcile the fact that I've fallen for someone who sees me as a tool to be discarded once the excitement wears off? I know we all have a choice, but we also know what it's like to be infatuated with someone who seems perfect. I feel like such a loser.

Sobbing Here And Making Errors

"One of life's hardest lessons is this: Two people can be absolutely crazy in love with each other and still not be good partners," said Franklin Veaux, coauthor of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (morethantwo.com). "If you're monogamous and you meet someone you're completely smitten with who isn't, the best thing to do is acknowledge that you're incompatible and go your separate ways. It hurts and it sucks, but there it is."

This perfect, sneaky guy who makes you feel like a loser and a hussy? He told you he was in an open relationship on your second date. You knew he wasn't "your type" or "perfect" for you the second time you laid eyes on him, SHAME, and you needed to go your separate ways at that point. And I'm not buying your excuse ("I was too infatuated!"). What if he had revealed that he was a recreational bed wetter? Or a serial killer? Or Jeffrey Lord? Or all of the above? Surely you would've dumped him then.

Veaux advocates ethical polyamory—it's right there in the title of his book—and he thinks this guy did you wrong by not disclosing his partner's existence right away. "Making a nonmonogamous relationship work requires a commitment to communication, honesty, and transparency," said Veaux. "Concealing the fact that you're in a relationship is a big violation of all three, and no good will come of it."

I have a slightly different take. Straight women in open relationships have an easier time finding men willing to fuck and/or date them; their straight male counterparts have a much more difficult time. Stigma and double standards are at work here—she's sexually adventurous; he's a cheating bastard—and waiting to disclose the fact that you're poly (or kinky or HIV-positive or a cammer) is a reaction to/work-around for that. It's also a violation of poly best practices, like Veaux says, but the stigma is a violation, too. Waiting to disclose your partner, kink, HIV status, etc., can prompt the other person to weigh their assumptions and prejudices about poly/kinky/poz people against the living, breathing person they've come to know. Still, disclosure needs to come early—within a date or two, certainly before anyone gets fucked—so the other person can bail if poly/kinky/poz is a deal breaker.

As for that new relationship energy stuff...

"There are, in truth, polyamorous people who are NRE junkies," said Veaux. "Men and women who chase new relationships in pursuit of that emotional fix. They're not very common, but they do exist, and alas they tend to leave a lot of destruction in their wake."

But your assumptions about how NRE works are wrong, SHAME. Seeing your partner in the throes of NRE doesn't bring the primary couple closer together; it often places a strain on the relationship. Opening up a relationship can certainly save it (if openness is a better fit for both partners), but NRE isn't a log the primary couple tosses on the emotional/erotic fire. It's something a poly person experiences with a new partner, not something a poly person enjoys with an established one.

And there are lots of examples of long-term poly relationships out there—established triads, quads, quints—so your assumption about being discarded once NRE wears off is also off, SHAME. There are no guarantees, however. If this guy were single and looking for a monogamous relationship, you could nevertheless discover you're not right for each other and wind up being discarded or doing the discarding yourself.

I'm going to give the final word to our guest expert...

"Having an avoidant attachment style complicates things, because one of the things that can go along with avoidant attachment is idealizing partners who are inaccessible or unavailable," said Veaux. "That can make it harder to let go. But if you're radically incompatible with the person you love, letting go is likely your only healthy choice. Good luck!"


I'm gay and married. My husband regularly messes around with this one guy who treats me like I'm a cuckold. He will send me a pic of my husband sucking his cock, for example, and a text message meant to degrade me. But I'm not a cuckold and I don't find these messages sexy. My husband wants me to play along because it gets this guy off. Advice?

Can't Understand Cuckold Kink

It depends, CUCK. If you're upset by these messages—if they hurt your feelings, are damaging your sexual connection to your husband, are traumatizing—don't play along. But if you find them silly—if they just make you roll your eyes—then play along. Respond positively/abjectly/insincerely, then delete. Not to please the guy sending the messages (who you don't owe anything), but to please your husband (who'll wind up owing you).


I am a straight male grad student in my mid-20s. My girlfriend wants to have sex with another girl in our class. Neither of us have had a threesome before, but both of us are game. Unfortunately, I am not attracted to this girl. When we started dating, my girlfriend told me that she is sexually attracted to women. We agreed to be monogamous except that she could have sex with other women as part of a threesome with me. She is not hell-bent on having sex with our classmate, but she would like to and says it's up to me. I don't want her to suppress her same-sex tendencies, but I am jealous at the thought of her having sex with someone else while I am not participating. What should I do?

Feeling Out Moments Orgasmic

You should take yes for an answer, FOMO—or take your girlfriend's willingness to say no to this opportunity for an answer. She's into this woman but willing to pass on her because you aren't. There are billions of other women on the planet—some in your immediate vicinity—so you two have lots of other options. Unless you find a reason to object to every woman your girlfriend finds attractive, you aren't guilty of suppressing her same-sex tendencies. recommended


On the Lovecast, Michael Hobbes on gay, middle-aged dating: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage

ITMFA.org

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June 14th, 2017
posted by [syndicated profile] savagelove_feed at 04:00am on 14/06/2017

Posted by Dan Savage

A 30-year-old virgin doesn't know where to start to find love by Dan Savage

I'm almost 30 and I'm a virgin. I'm an overweight, straight-ish guy (I'm attracted to a few men, but those cases are exceedingly rare). I've also gone through an absolute hell life thus far, losing a testicle to cancer and having an abusive father who threatened a teenage me into celibacy by invoking the phrase "penile lobotomy" should I have sex with any girlfriends. I've barely dated in 10 years, and while I'm free from my father and the aforementioned mortal dick terror, I'm also INCREDIBLY scared about putting myself out there. I'm disabled, I'm not conventionally attractive by most standards, my whole zone down there is scarred up from surgeries, and, to top it all off, I'm on the small side. The last time I had the opportunity for sex, I went for it, but I was so terrified that I couldn't keep it up. The woman I was with said something to the effect of "Well, I can't do anything with that, now can I?" after which I asked her to leave because, seriously, that's kind of an asshole thing to say. I'm notionally on Tinder and Bumble, but I really don't know what I'm doing—and more often than not, I feel like the right thing for any theoretical partners would be for me to just stay in hiding and not inflict my grotesque presence on them. I'm scared of another humiliation, as that's most definitely not my kink, and I'm at an age where my complete lack of experience and physical deformity are (I would have to imagine) major issues for anyone I might encounter. I truly want romance, sexuality, and companionship in my life. I haven't fought through poverty, disability, physical and emotional abuse, and my genitalia trying to kill me to stay entombed in my office alone and unloved. I just do not know where to even begin.

The Virgin Who's Been Fucked A Whole Lot Just Never In The Good Way

Off the top of my head...

Hire a sex worker. It will allow you to separate your anxieties about finding romance and companionship from your anxieties about being sexually inexperienced. A kind, indulgent, competent sex worker can relieve you of your virginity and help restore—or instill—confidence in your dick's ability to get and stay hard in the presence of another human being. Be totally honest about your inexperience and your concerns. If you get the sense during negotiations—which should be brief and to the point—that the woman you're talking to is impatient or uncaring, thank her for her time and start over. There are kind, caring, compassionate sex workers out there. Presumably you've got a computer in your office, TVWBFAWLJNITGW. Use it to find one.

Get out of the house. Go places, do things—as much as your disability and budget allow. Even if you have to go alone, go. Even if the things you want to do are unlikely to put you in front of many/any women, do those things. You're likelier to meet someone if you're out of the house and moving through the world. Even if you don't meet someone right away, you'll feel less isolated and less alone. Even if you never meet someone (I'm not sugarcoating things—some people don't), going places and doing things means you'll have a rich and full and active life regardless.

You're not alone. Okay, you're alone—but you're not alone alone. Meaning, there are women (and men) out there who feel just as paralyzed as you do—because they're 30-year-old-or-older virgins, because they're not conventionally attractive, because their first/only sexual experiences were just as humiliating, because they had traumatic childhoods and bear emotional scars. You want a woman to come into your life who is patient and accepting and kind and willing to look past your disability and your inexperience and your difficult history. Be patient, accepting, kind, and similarly willing.

Get over those scars. I had a boyfriend a long time ago who had significant scarring on his balls and taint. He was a farm boy (sigh), and he fell on a piece of farm machinery and wound up straddling a scalding-hot pipe. I don't know how that worked exactly, because I don't know from farm machinery, but the pipe burned through his jeans and left third-degree burns on his balls, taint, and upper-upper thigh. Ten years later, we started going out—and guess what? I didn't notice his scars. And not for want of opportunity: He was my first serious boyfriend, and I spent the better part of three months with my face in his crotch. The scars that were so obvious to him and left him feeling self-conscious about his genitals? They were invisible to me until he needlessly apologized for them. Genitals are a jumble of flesh and folds and hairs and colors and bits and pieces and sometimes scars, TVWBFAWLJNITGW. If you're worried your scarring is noticeable, mention that you're a cancer survivor and lost a ball but gained a sick (as in cool) scar.

Good luck, TVWBFAWLJNITGW. We're rooting for you.


Your a faggot.

Women Obsess Real Men

Your new here, WORM, aren't you?


I'm a straight woman, and I've been dating my boyfriend for about eight months. We have a wonderful relationship and amazing sex. There's one thing he does in the bedroom, however, that I find off-putting and I was hoping you might be able to provide some insight. About 25 percent of the time after he ejaculates, he briefly licks some of his come off his fingers. This kind of creeps me out. I've been with more than a few dudes, so I obviously understand that a woman eating their come is a common turn-on, but this is my first experience with this particular incarnation. At first I was worried my aversion might be rooted in some deeply buried homophobic beliefs, but we've discussed the idea of me pegging him, and that I can get behind. I think it's more that this smacks of a certain egotism I find frivolous. Like, I wouldn't go around shoving my fingers inside my pussy and rubbing the results all over my face. Typically we're able to discuss any kind of conflict or confusion that arises between us, but this one seems tough to broach for me. Three questions: How common is this? Do I need to just get over it or should I try to talk to him about it? Would most guys suck their own dick if they were able?

Yearning Understanding Concerning Kink

1. It's not common, YUCK, but it's not unheard of, either. Maybe your boyfriend grew up with sex-phobic parents who blew up at the sight of a crusty sock—so he opted to destroy the evidence by eating it and developed a taste for it. Maybe he thinks his semen contains powerful woo-hoo-y masculine energy and wishes to retain some of it. Maybe he had a girlfriend who thought it was hot to see him eat his come and he (wrongly) assumes it's a turn-on for you, too.

2. Yes, you need to get over it and, yes, you should ask him about it. The former almost certainly requires the latter.

3. Every man on earth tries, a select few succeed, and we all would if we could. Even my new friend WORM. recommended


On the Lovecast, advice from a dominatrix on kinky parties: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage

ITMFA.org

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