damerell | CUWoCS email

A great many years ago some reprobates and I (well, some other reprobates and I) set up the Cambridge University Worshippers of Cthulhu Society for mild amusement; I was quite pleased the year we got into the Societies Handbook under "religion" not the category for nutball societies.

I kept the old Web pages up because, well, why not? About once every three months, I get some confused email from someone who either doesn't realise it's a joke or whose responding humour is too subtle for me (I tend to favour the first hypothesis, but I would, wouldn't I?)

Today I got this one, which is of a sort I have never seen before:

Our Creator God, who created Cthulhu, lives forever. When Cthulhu rises, he will be defeated AGAIN, and his followers, who are deceived, will be destroyed with him.

Jesus, the Christ, the only begotten of the Father, conquered death by rising from the dead, being seen by over 500 individuals, before ascending to heaven. Those who's hearts are given over to Him, will also rise and be with Him in His kingdom.

Those who follow Cthulhu will be judged and condemned to eternal fire where the re is weeping and gnashing of teeth to suffer for NOT giving honor and glory to the one true God. Those who lead others astray will be given a worse fate.

Read the book of John before it's too late for you.

Remembering the old joke where a voice from the back of the kirk pipes up "Some of us havnae got any teeth, Minister" and the minister roars "Teeth will be provided!" - and also pondering that I would not have expected such a correspondent to, apparently, suppose the Big C exists - I replied, trolling shamelessly:

On Wednesday, 10 Apr 2013, [elided] wrote:
>Our Creator God, who created Cthulhu, lives forever. When Cthulhu
>rises, he will be defeated AGAIN, and his followers, who are
>deceived, will be destroyed with him.

I confess I was not aware that mainstream Christianity accepted the
existence of Cthulhu as an established fact, but it is nice to finally
have it acknowledged.

>Jesus, the Christ, the only begotten of the Father, conquered death
>by rising from the dead,

As the Necronomicon predicts; "that is not dead which can eternal lie,
and with strange aeons even death may die". Jesus is, as I daresay you
recognise, thereby identified as an avatar of one of the Outer Gods -
probably Nyarlathotep.

>Those who follow Cthulhu will be judged and condemned to eternal fire
>where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth to suffer for NOT giving
>honor and glory to the one true God. Those who lead others astray
>will be given a worse fate.

I think I have two questions. First of all, I'm not clear on what
would constitute a worse fate than eternal fire. Am I to infer that in
your fascinating theology the fires of Hell are a sort of second-rate
affair with something else reserved for more egregious offenders?

Secondly, it strikes me that many of the elderly don't have any
teeth. I feel that "gnashing of gums" would be a sadly lacking
response to damnation, but equally well it seems remarkable that part
of the punishment package, as it were, would consist of free
dentistry. Can you clarify this point for me?

I wonder if this exchange will continue?