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Further to my last post,

madaussie and I were discussing the Exodus 4:24 situation; getting into a barroom brawl with God (no, really!)

The question is this; in that situation, imagine the whole Trinity has turned up. Who do you try and take down first? Your options are;

God.
Strengths: omniscience, omnipotence, smiting.
Weaknesses: arrogance, jealousy, obviously contradictory attributes.

Holy Spirit.
Strengths: can make you pregnant unexpectedly in some Gospel continuities.
Weaknesses: unknown, but seems kind of wussy.

Jesus.
Strengths: could turn all water in your body into wine.
Weaknesses: holes in wrists, ankles limit mobility. Can probably be kneed in balls.

[Poll #846982]

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There are 33 comments on this entry. (Reply.)

Strengths: can make you pregnant unexpectedly in some Gospel continuities

I don't think there's any documented evidence of this having happened to a male, so it doesn't worry me all that much.

Strengths: could turn all water in your body into wine

If I'm seriously considering taking on the Holy Trinity in a bar brawl, I've got to be pretty close to that point already, so that doesn't impress me either.

Hence, God is the serious threat of the three, and must be taken down as fast as is feasible. Furthermore, he's also the one with the history of serious human rights abuses, crap design of my body, and most of my other serious annoyances, which means he's probably the one who pissed me off in the bar in the first place. So this is a no-brainer.

Agree with your reasoning, but I'm not convinced about taking down the serious threat first; you should avoid the serious threat, and take down the easy targets first. Hence Holy Spirit, then Jesus, then you can concentrate on a proper knock-down with God without the other two distracting you.

Only problem is if it takes too long, Jesus gets back up again after 3 days...

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If you can avoid the serious threat, that sounds good on paper; but I suspect God's aim would be rather too accurate, which means that you have to withstand a constant barrage of smiting from the opening of hostilities until you take that sucker down. Minimising that length of time is thus paramount.

As for Jesus rising again, pah. Camp on his restart point and you're sorted.

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God is often a bit indiscriminate - you could start the fight when next to some Midianites.

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Not sure there's many left - he may be indiscriminate, but that smiting tends to hurt.

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As for Jesus rising again, pah. Camp on his restart point and you're sorted.

You owe me a new keyboard, you bastard...

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Maybe if you hammer a stake into his heart it'll be OK.

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No. Always take the biggest threat first, because you want to minimize the time that biggest threat has to inflict damage on you. If you're going to fail, that's where it's going to happen, but if you succeed - maybe the others will run away - it's a huge morale hit seeing your tank get pwn3d.

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Thinking about it some more, I'm seeing God as more the DPS, Jesus as the healer, and the Holy Spirit as a support class. If this is the case, Jesus needs to go down ASAP, followed quickly by God, leaving the Holy Spirit with nothing to do.

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I seem to be lacking some context here, and Wikipedia doesn't seem to have provided it for me, amusing as one or two of the resulting mental images were.

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You want "damage per second"; it's a World Of Warcraft-ism. In WoW team roles are highly formalised.

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Good point on the water/wine thing. I am less convinced by the pregnancy argument - he's only done it once, it must be to _some_ gender.

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I thought there were rather a lot of Catholic schoolgirls who also insisted it had happened to them? Possibly less well-documented than the original, though...

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Not really - the Biblical accounts are contradictory (Matthew 1:18-1:25, Luke 1:26-2:5) whereas one hopes some of those schoolgirls managed consistency.

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Since god the father is the dangerous one, wouldn't it be better to kidnap god the son and use him to blackmail or otherwise disable god the father in order to make it easier to take the big guy out?

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God is documented as being willing to let people capture and bump off his Son.

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I agree; got to be God first. The others may seem like easy targets but if you make the mistake of starting with them you'll be knee-deep in frogs faster than you can say Jack Robinson, and then where are you? That sort of thing can really cramp your style.

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Then where are you? You're knee-deep in frogs.

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My point exactly. First rule of bar fights, never be knee-deep in frogs.

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Dunno, you could use the frogs as projectile weapons.

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You could kiss them all and see if they turned into princes. Princes would make effective meatshields - the LORD has to be reluctant to open fire on his own anointed.

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God first. Since the others are all aspects thereof, it's a quick win.

Is there room for an "I Can't Believe It's Not Buddha" joke in this thread? No? Oh well, I'll piss off then.

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There is now.

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Holy Spirit.
Weaknesses: unknown, but seems kind of wussy.

It's that manifestation-as-a-dove thing, isn't it? Don't be fooled: He proceeds from the Father (and the Son, if you're down with the filioque), and a later model is bound to be an improvement on the prototypes.

I just figured that I wouldn't actually be able to do damage to anyone other than Jesus as neither of the others have physical manifestations and in the case of God, omnipotence would be hard to hurt anyway. God's omnipresence probably means that by taking out Jesus I'd be taking out a little bit of God too.

Also Jesus is pretty much banned from fighting back.

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God's got plenty of form in the OT as a mean bastard. I don't think I'd want to risk leaving Him to his own devices while dealing with the others. Also I get to point to a pattern of behaviour concerning Pharoah, and argue that he hardened my heart against himself if things land up in court.

Jesus seems halfway reasonable, and it might be possible to talk him out of the fight; he might quite like someone actually paying attention for once. The fight would be worth avoiding; the healing thing could make it a real drag if he applies it to himself.

Start with the Holy Spirit (easily finished off, dump in a shot glass then shoot, as it were). Once the Holy Spirit is gone, continue with the Father. At this point, the Father should be somewhat diminished in power, due to the Spirit being gone. Just hose him down with Dr. Pepper, then go at him with a firepoke. After the Father has been down, turn to the Son and say "WHo's the Daddy?" and hope He faints from fear. If he doesn't, use some decent-strength twine in the pre-prepared holes, to hogtie him, thus sidestepping the whole "resurrects" angle.

Tying Jesus up via the puncture wounds was a popular tactic at Games Night, too.

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God first. Not that I've ever worked out how. Though I think if you're male you can prove non-existence by going to live on the site of Babylon.

If God's omnipresent and you toast him, does that leave you with anywhere left to stand? And how do you toast the bits of him that are inside you?

I'm not sure omnipresence implies everything is full of God-stuff. Gravity's omnipresent but, although we'd all float away, we aren't made of it.

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April