Underworld [damerell]

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Underworld is by no means the worst movie I have ever seen. Hell, I've seen Manos and Red Zone Cuba in the same night, it's not even on the worst-movie radar. But it's pretty awful, for all, that. There's the awfulness that is actually soul-destroying (like Manos); below that is the awfulness that is jolly and camp (like Space Mutiny, say, or Plan 9); but below that there's the awfulness of mere mediocrity, like you thought you'd put Kate Beckinsale in a shiny black corset and hope no-one would notice the movie stank. That's where Underworld is. It's not just bad; it isn't even bad enough to be good (like Abba).

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There are 11 comments on this entry. (Reply.)

The direst review of Underworld I remember seeing at the time was...

"Kate Beckinsale is out acted by her magnificent leather coat."

She was, admittedly, exceedingly decorative. The movie itself? Meh. :-)

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Someone (was it mobbsy) once described Underworld as "a film only redeemed by Kate Beckinsale in a corset" and Van Helsing as "a film not even redeemable by Kate Beckinsale in a corset".

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It is indeed quite the heap of shit.

But is it worse than 'Van Helsing'?

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I doubt it, but I would hesitate to call "better than Van Helsing" an unequivocal approval.

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No, I'm with you on that one. More a "how bad can this get?" rating.

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*shrug* To me, it seemed to have sufficiently many of the things I like, that I quite enjoyed it even though it didn't quite hang together (whereas the sequel I just found boring, which is about my worst criticism :)).

(Oops, sorry, failed to log out.)

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Observe me not rising to your comment :-P

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(wow, I am so behind on everything ever)

So, I take it this is the kind of awful I just shouldn't bother with, then. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is in my instant streaming queue, as I'm told it might be the right kind of bad. I've been wondering whether to bother with the rest of the franchise.

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Well, I watched the second one (I'm working through the movies at Nerdvana) and it was even worse. The first one merely forgets every half hour what the plot was and has to come up with a new one. The second one can't even manage a plot that makes sense at any given time. Drawing a line through these two points doesn't give me much confidence in the third movie.

Recently watched in one evening The Corpse Vanishes (Bela Lugosi, black and white, MST3K, not actually absolutely awful), Warrior of the Lost World (80s, Mad Max ripoff, MSTÂ3K, totally incoherent (they avoid having gratuitous exposition scenes by having no exposition at all), very much so-bad-its-jolly), and Zombie Strippers (really awful with sheer mediocrity like we hired Jenna Jameson and some other girls to get their norks out and hoped no-one would notice the movie stank, not MST3K). All these movies were better than either of the Underworld movies I have seen.

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Right. "Worse than MST Gor movie." Fortunately, there are 425 other things in the streaming queue alone (I am not making this up; it is very easy to fill such a thing). Thanks! I will devote that energy to syncing up the Twilight movie with its riff.

the movies at Nerdvana

...you have the vast library, or you have caused temporal anomalies? o_O

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Rob and Keith didn't take everything. That does mean the quality of what's left is... limited.

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damerell

Underworld

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